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subject: July News
“Well said, brazen-face!”
Shakespeare’s Merry Wives of Windsor [IV.ii.124]
Astrological overview: Mars gets the most press right now. He’s going to correct his path, and relative to planet Earth, he’s going to start moving in a more orderly direction. I mean, Mars doesn’t really go backwards in his orbit, it just looks that way. Likewise, he doesn’t really start going forward, but as a welcome relief, it looks that way.
The first two weeks of the month are rough. Not necessarily “bad” rough, just not as easy as we would all like. And before anyone else starts to complain, let me remind you that I am Sagittarius, and this hits me a lot worse than it hits you. [A little sympathy — or money — is the best way to show you care.]
Aries: The relative direction of Mars is like an afterburner on a jet plane. You’ve been cruising along, maybe even stalled once or twice, and you’re ready for those burners to kick in. You and me both. They do kick in, about the third week of July. Now, if this catches you unaware, what happens is you develop a little bit of metaphorical whiplash. Don’t let that happen. Keep your wits about you, and be ready for this good stuff, just as soon as it hits. Going to be a great finish to a time that started out “not so well.”
Taurus: July 4th is not the exact date, but at one point, during the coming month, you come shooting out of the tube like a firecracker. Someone lit your fuse, and all of a sudden, things start happening at a rapid rate. Couldn’t arrive soon enough, and I’m sure you’ll agree about that. The trick is, during the first part of the month, you get to decide just exactly which direction you want to launch yourself. You get to point that firecracker, that little rocket ship you’re in, you get to choose. Then hold on.
Gemini: Relationships, especially of the romantic variety, are all at a critical point. Or rather, you find a portion of this month with your partner, mate, concubine, or, in my case, the cat, staring at you with that look of mild distaste. Seems like the other person’s finding fault with everything you do. My cat is easy to please, a little can of tuna fish, and that wipes the look of distaste off her face. You can try the same trick, but I won’t promise it works. But you might want to try whatever tricks you usually come up with, and as the month gets longer, it gets a little better.
Cancer: Most of the good Cancer birthdays are in July. If I missed your birthday last week, sorry about that. It still looks good, if a tad on the strange side. There’s some interesting dynamics, applying pressure to other sensitive spots, but by and large, over here in Cancer, there’s a bit of a sunny day going on all month long. Not the best ever, but not bad at all. Enjoy what little relief you feel, and be grateful for the small movements of small planets as this highlights what’s going on for you: sometimes, it’s not the big actions, but subtle, little ones that matter so much.
Leo: Slow down, be careful with fireworks. Matter of fact, let someone else handle the dirty task of igniting the fuses. If you try, especially early in the month, if you try to ignite them fuses yourself, it could go horribly wrong, that is, that firecracker could go off in your Leo face. Sit back, and let someone else tend to the chores, at first. As we get closer to the magical time of Leo, though, there’s a positive shift, and you can take a more “hands on” approach then.
Virgo: Around the middle of the month, there’s a little bump in the road. Personally, I love to hit these bumps at high speed, the suspension (such as it is) bottoms out, the rebound on the shocks is nonexistent, and the truck gets a little air, then bounces on down the road. As long as you don’t mind having you innards shaken (not stirred), then you’re good to go. Just be aware that this little bump in the road might be a little larger than you think, so use your good judgment — or bad judgements, such as the case calls for.
Libra: That old misnamed figure, “Lady Luck” is a fickle mistress. Oddly enough, she’s on your side. That’s good. She delivers in strange ways, that’s bad. Like the time I didn’t win the lottery, it was only $ 4 million. Just enough cash to get in trouble, but not really enough (after taxes) to retire on. Besides, I enjoy what I do, so I can’t say I’d give it up. But the next week, I didn’t win, either, not even as that jackpot crawled higher. Even if you’re counting on a big jackpot, pay attention to getting up and working on the project your boss wants you finish. You can gamble, but keep one hand on the till at work.
Scorpio: All I’m going to suggest is that there is one particular ideal, one thing, one mental image you have of yourself, and I’d like to suggest this a good time to overhaul this image. It’s a good time to think twice about this little fantasy. It’s like this: I used to imagine that I was approximately one inch taller than I am right now. There’s one or two tall girls I’ve dated, and that extra inch of altitude would’ve helped — when they wore heels. Now, let’s get real, just for a moment, I’m only this tall, tall enough to ride the rides at the State Fair, but that’s about it. Instead of wishing for something that just won’t happen, use this summer month to get in touch with results you can easily achieve. Or start dating shorter women, like I did.
Sagittarius: I have a “summer weight” and a “winter weight.” It’s odd but the two always seem to reversed of what they should be. I always gain a little extra during the summer, when I don’t wear shirts very often, and that extra weight shows. And in the winter, it’s just a lot easier to eat more lean stuff. Doesn’t make any sense. Now, I know that you’re not really worried about your weight like I am, but the Mars thing, the Jupiter thing, and the onset of Leo, late this month, makes it a lot easier to reach our targets.
Capricorn: Occasionally, it’s okay to glance back over your shoulder to see just exactly how far you’ve come. Matter of fact, it’s usually a good idea to glance back over your shoulder, just to make sure. I was backing a van full of equipment into a spot, here at Shady Acres, and I was doing this in typical fashion: I glanced in the rearview, dropped the van into reverse and gunned the motor. I slammed the van right into a tree branch. [Tree huggers take note: the tree was not harmed.] Other than a dent in the van, there wasn’t much damage. A good bumper sticker covered it up. Before you back up this month, though, make a careful assessment of where everything is, then you can proceed.
Aquarius: Everyone else is upset. You don’t have that problem, unless you’re dealing with the rest of us. There’s a gentle slide going on, and it’s like one of the big slides at the water park, just down the road. Great summer fun. The best part, of course, after a long and hot climb to the top, sliding down, is splashing into the big pool at the bottom. So this is like a gentle slide down, and this is a fun slide, remember? You know what’s at the bottom, and a hot summer day in Texas, nothing could be better.
Pisces: Little trends are important. And there’s this little trend happening in your sign, wonderful Pisces, all month long. This goes against the current economic situation, or the way other folks seem to be feeling, but there’s a light and airy sense you get. I know what it’s like, it like that first time I get around to turning on the new AC unit here in the trailer, and that (expensive) new AC blasts out a huge volume of cold air. It’s relaxing, refreshing, and for a change, it feels good. So do you, at least, for the next little while.
(c) Kramer Wetzel, 2000, 2001
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August 11-12, South Austin [Holiday Inn South] Feel free to post this along to your friends, or enemies, we don’t much care, but please make sure everything is intact to the end of the signature file, just to make sure the legal department is happy.
Kramer Wetzel (no relation to fictional characters)
“Who, I? alas! it is my vice, my fault:
Whiles others fish with craft for great opinion,
I with great truth catch mere simplicity….”
Troilus in Shakspeare’s Troilus and Cressida (Act IV, Scene IV)